Free Ya’ Mind

Sigh. How did I find myself here?

I’ll tell you how. And no, I’m not BLAMING my parent for anything.. I’m acknowledging harm done. I’m acknowledging trauma and drama passed down from generations.

Parents ought to understand that the trauma and pain and misunderstanding you went through as a kid, was half their fault. They didn’t know how to respond to my dynamic feelings. Hell, I didn’t even know how.

I grew up ‘people pleasing’ and ‘parent pleasing’ because that kept me safe and happy. But I wasn’t safe. My emotions and mental/spiritual space wasn’t safe. I had to accept what was given to me.

• Trauma around lack: Not having enough to buy groceries or pay bills. Not having basic resources like transportation, employment, educational services. Yeah, the church can’t provide every service and they don’t want to.
• Trauma around personality/identity: being too quiet, not talking enough, being too secretive only to spill once it’s “almost too late”. I could NEVER admit that it was hard to talk to you. To be understood by you. Oh, you wanted me to understand you, and I did. But me, after all this time, I’m still dealing with the effects of not loving and accepting ALL OF ME, for who I am!
• Trauma around God/Religion: being HELL scared. Like, “hell is a real place you will go if you don’t repent and confess all your sins and attend church regularly and give tithes and offerings and go on fasts and pray for hours at ‘shut-ins’, etc”. My faith was in constant questioning, the older I got, the more dedicated to ‘Jesus’ I became, the less you believed I was dedicated. “Are you really saved…if..?” “Christian girls don’t do that.. or listen to that.. Christian girls don’t go on dates with guys.. Christian girls go on dates in groups of people. Christian girls don’t wear short skirts and show cleavage.” Yadda Yadda Yadda. 🙄

So, when I mention my mom and dad did NOTHING to contribute to the person I am becoming, it’s true. Dad simply wasn’t there. Mom WAS there but clearly she didn’t want to be but to prove herself wrong, she helicopter-parented the HELL outta me. I couldn’t even have friends.. they were OUR friends. Not MINE. I couldn’t leave home for college, cus I was a “naive little girl who would get taken advantage of..”, because, “I never lived away from home and I know nothing about taking care of myself and being responsible.” 😑 But, I managed to remain on the honor roll until highschool graduation.. then went on to complete four years of University. But, yeah mom, I wasn’t “smart enough” to live on my own.. not even for a semester. Wow. You must be so proud that you didn’t really believe in me. Yeah, you instilled the Holy Scripture in me at a young age, taught me ‘right from wrong’, showered me with love and attention as long as I earned it. As long as I was the quiet, church-going, people pleasing shell of a human that I was.

I always had dreams and talent that I knew would take me away from the Church, eventually. But you never wanted to acknowledge those dreams. You wanted to believe that I can bring my dreams and creative visions to the Church and the Church would lift me up.

But the Church is so behind in progress and technology and society, they still preaching against Gays, still shaming women for having children outside of marriage, still separating themselves from “unbelievers” who, around the world, are suffering at the hands of religious zealots. The church turns a blind eye to the atrocities of the world or turns around and blames SATAN. But, Satan didn’t raise me with childhood trauma, my parent did.

Satan, didn’t pass down fears around lack and poverty, my parent did. Satan, along with my parent, helped shame me into my shell, constantly pointing out and emphasizing my short comings. And all the ways my “personality” was confusing and therefore ungodly.

But I was scared and intimidated A LOT of the time. I didn’t know how to be truthful in my emotions because I had to mask them in order to feel safe.

Unfortunately, we have never gotten to a place of understanding and acknowledgement. No, We can’t go back in time and change the past, but we can grow to understand it and learn from it.

I’ve learned, that I don’t need to pop out kids to prove my worth. I don’t need to marry a man I don’t love to make “God” happy. I don’t need to fall into traditions that erase my future self from having the freedom to overcome generational trauma. I can evolve, I can heal from the past. I can reconcile with those who hurt me.

What I don’t have to do, is stick around for someone who never took the time, past my adolescence, to actually understand and get to know me. Who wanted to place me back inside the box I constantly tried to break free from. No, I don’t think you are an evil person who never wanted the best for me. But I do know that you allowed evil to rest in your heart, to stunt my growth in any direction that wasn’t your desires or expectations. The evil that told you if I were to grow up, that I’d grow up in sin and mistakes just like you, just like your mother and.. hell, just like other family members who never dedicated their lives to “Jesus” and the Holy Bible.

There are family members who did accept “Jesus” and they still weren’t acceptable because they believed differently. They didn’t have as many “strict Christian rules” to abide by. So, they too were not as “Saved and Sanctified” as you. So, you had to make yourself known. You had to make your pastor and church doctrine known. You had to place your Pastors teachings above all other pastors – believing all others would steer you to hell.

😮‍💨 but, like I said, mom, you wouldn’t understand. You just don’t want to understand. Dad? “Sorry to this man. If you were walking down the street, I wouldn’t know a thing. Sorry.” 🤷🏾‍♀️

🚶🏾‍♀️- sincerely, me.