Free Ya’ Mind

Sigh 😔

I know I’m trippin’, but I feel completely useless rn. 😣

Who I am, who I want to be, are of no use to my reality. 😧

My reality needs fear 😱 and conformity 🥸 and pressure, 🔧 to create progress and benefits. 🤖

I need peace 😇 and divine order 💫 and timing, space to produce, to progress, to be patient, to pace myself.. 🏝️

Is there no room for growth 🪴 without waiting and waiting and waiting? ⏳ Working and working and working – to still have to wait and wait and wait – for your life to upgrade..?! 🔧🤷🏾‍♀️

I believed yesterday. I believed an hour ago. Now I’m not soo sure..

Does that mean I haven’t learned, that I don’t deserve to grow? What the “universe” says is – be a delusional prick who believes everything will bend to my will if I pray and believe. If I “go with the flow“.

But what ends up happening is, you get tired, overwhelmed by every expectation and every effort put into the thing you believe in. 🥱😮‍💨😞

Then, when you’re burnt out and heavy as a concrete cylinder, you start to believe you are useless. Like nothing you contribute has any benefit, especially for yourself. 😤😡😫

Your skills only hold you back. Your beliefs trick your mind into doubts and fears. 👻😣😖

– “No wonder Jobs won’t hire me… No wonder that interview didn’t go as planned.” 🧠

– “No wonder they didn’t want me on the team.” 🗣️

See, I can’t be responsible and loyal and respectful of other people’s time! No one has ever respected my time, so how can I know how to respect theirs? 😭

How will I know what to expect? 🤔

Oh I know what to expect.. I lived it too many times.

I know the burdens that jump in your way as soon as you start looking. 👀

Then you can’t help be see that shit everywhere! 💩

Everywhere you look, burdens and failures.

The pressure to succeed but with no actual assistance in how to achieve “success“.

I know:  how to fail, miss my expectations, feel like shit and punish myself for it.

I know that those moments last a lifetime.

The moment you doubted..

The moment you feared..

The moment you questioned everything about your reality.. the moment, becoming more and more mysterious. 😵‍💫

You become more and more confused and deluded.

The moment you realized your fear was an illusion, is the moment you started to mistrust yourself; because everything you once believed in was false.

Somehow, you did that to yourself. 🤦🏾‍♀️

🤷🏾‍♀️  Somehow, you gotta help yourself out of it. 

Somehow, you gotta alter the moment. ✨

You gotta show the moment who’s boss. 💁🏾‍♀️

The moment that has dragged on, the moment that has become an reality, the moment that made you question everything.. that moment has soured. It’s useless. 💩😫🤢

And everytime you step into that moment, you feel useless. You feel broken. You feel hurt and confused. 🚶🏾‍♀️ 

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Sometimes you don’t even know how to feel. How to describe what you feel as real.. You don’t know what’s real. Not anymore. 🫠 🗓️

That’s a strange moment to be in. It’s a struggle to. Cuz Everytime you try to leave, the moment keeps pulling you back. 😳

Don’t be a useless soul. You don’t have to be. What’s truer is, you don’t want to be. You were made to fulfill creation and order. You are useful, just by existing. 🦠🩸🫀🦷

Each moment you’re given, each moment you experience will be used for something.

You’re not useless. 😶‍🌫️

You’re not a waste. 🫡

You’re not identified by the moment. 🧐

You’re not your reality. 🫣

You’re not delusional. 🥹

You’re awake. For the first time, you’re awake to the moment. You become aware of every particle, every vibe. 👁️

You see what’s really going on. 😧

You’re are valuable. 💯

You harness the moment to bring about real change in your life. 💃🏾

You’re alive. 👁️ 👄 👁️

You rest, you fall, you wait, you roll with the punches, you apologize, you start over, you let shit go.

The powers that be – use you everyday. 🧻🤧

They use your face, your data, your emotions, your attention, your material wealth – all to manufacture a reality, a moment for you to understand, to feel, to believe – to believe in the life you hold so dear. The experience, the game of existence is yours to accept, to add to or subtract from.

– what am I saying? 🥴

– is it all useless? 🙃

– do the words matter more than the energy I create? 😣

…

– I guess I just felt like encouraging myself today. Like writing out my emotions and finding a way to bring that shit full circle. 🙆🏾‍♀️

..

“now that I have a blog post for the day, I guess I gotta decide what else I’m gonna do with the never passing moment called time.” – 🙍🏾‍♀️

Peace out! ✌🏾

X.