Free Ya’ Mind

Welp, this weekend was Mother’s Day.

I have a Mother but..

I don’t feel Mothered.. not in a long time. Not for a very long time.

Where do i begin to pick up the pieces of my life and make something I’m proud of?

How to i begin to move on? When..

For so long, I couldn’t speak. No one to talk to but God. Not you. Not Mother.

But I made you proud. I graduated and excelled, made art and loved God more than my own self.

What was I supposed to do? Disobey? Lash out? Nope. Comply. Bend. Listen. Serve. Conceal. Don’t feel.

Church was the punishment and the reward. Jesus was the Way, The Pastor was the Light. The Bible was a tool for inspiration and stagnation. Belief and disillusionment.

“Believe and wait on God.. Wait…Wait.. Keep waiting. Don’t listen to yourself. Your heart is deceitful and wicked. How can you trust in it?

Trust in me as I trust in God.”

Who can i turn to when I need love? Still waiting on.. God. But where are you?

Sometimes I feel like a Motherless child, a long way from home.

But, God bless the child who’s got her own. Far away from home. Out here on my own. Didn’t ask for much. Didn’t ask for nothing at all. But I still couldn’t get what I really needed. What I really asked for. What I begged for. What jumped through emotional hoops for. What I was gaslit and manipulated for..

What I left home for.. Finally.. After 25 years of living with you, under you, for you. 25 years of obedience.. and sacrifice. Of no back talk, no disrespect, no speaking my mind and doing the time.

Enslaved to the concept of love as having to be earned.. and achieved. Not given freely. Love is transactional. You only get what you deserve. Clearly I don’t deserve much.

I could always get by with very little. Don’t need much to eat and can sleep through anything. Keeps to herself and doesn’t complain. Works hard. Cares deeply. Spiritually sensitive and intuitive. Quiet. Loyal. ALWAYS THERE.

That’s me.

What have I asked for, what have I needed? Money, support, a pat on the back??

No.

A Mother.

X.