Free Ya’ Mind

Sigh

I’m a terrible human being.

My friends think so..

That iPad, ..the apartment, ..all of our conversations..

They pour and pour and pour.

I take and take and take.

I’m miserable. They comfort me.

I’m broken. They try and put me back together.

I’m desperate. They provide escape.

I’m worn out. They pick me up.

Sigh

The truth is. I’m not worth their love and support.

I don’t deserve encouragement. I deserve discouragement. I deserve discomfort.

Truly. I can take the dark weight of despair. Of judgement. Of wrongs being crucified. To surrender to the process of death and shedding wounds.

I can be bad. I can fail and become failure. I can become poverty and be poor. Poor in mind. Poor in Spirit. Poor in relationships with healthy boundaries. I can be abused. I can become an abuser. I can be used. I can become a user. It’s all possible.

I can take gifts without gratitude. I can receive assistance without compromise. I can hate myself without compassion. I can love others and not love myself. Be good to others but not good to myself.

I can’t drive. I’m not driven. I won’t work for free. I can’t be free unless I work. Work is a dirty word. Lazy is comfortable. Procrastination is choosing. My choosing. Choosing to lag behind. Choosing to give up. Choosing to be afraid of the work. Choosing to misalign myself with my anti goals.

What can I say for my life? I’ve allowed others to walk into the places they don’t belong. I wasn’t diligent enough to push back. To set up a fence and keep out the strangeness. The weirdness. The frequency that disrupts. Causes pain and confusion.

I let you in. I turned the knob. FM static. AM siren. Buzzing into sound bites and human voices. Talking pieces. The whole isn’t revealed. The frequencies can’t be seen. Only felt.

What I feel is sadness. A burden. A weight that is my existence. The awareness of my broken consciousness. The split of reality and fantasy/horror. What’s worse than being REALLY broken?

The Brokenness is evil. A monstrous force that grows into a shit storm of fire and damnation. The bad parts of us are REALLY bad. Really evil. Really strong. It divides. Destructs. DEPRESSES. 

To be anything else but that low, and bad, and destructive vibe may interrupt the whole program. Can’t be anything else. But terrible, horrible, lazy, do-nothings. Hurtful and shameful. No love. No hope.

How does that feel?

..

How does it feel?

It feels like the light wants to destroy me. Break me into a million pieces. Until there is nothing else. If I change. If I give up being bad. What am I?

If I give up being an evil, non compassionate, demonic soul, what will I become?

Will the goodness accept me? Am I allowed to be honest and trustworthy and kind? Will the light reject me? Can I know love..? Can I become love..? Will I have to hate myself, who I used to be? Will I have to disown my former identity? Let go of what helped me see? Helped me be seen?

Who knows? I know I don’t know anything. I don’t know how to love. How to love myself. How to be honest and trustworthy and kind. How to make mistakes and grow. Mistakes are flaws that deserve death. I didn’t deserve a second chance. But I’m here.

I don’t deserve life.. but I’m here. Still breathing. Still thinking. Still writing. I don’t deserve love or support. But I’m still loved and supported.

I’m not a “good” person.

But I can be. I can try.

X